ONE THING KINDA, SORTA LEADS TO THE OTHER SO GUESS IT’S BEST TO START AT THE BEGINNING

I’m the second oldest child in my family and I grew up with 3 brothers and 5 sisters. At age 14, I lost my Dad in a work-related trucking accident, leaving my Mom aged 34 alone and responsible for 9 children. My oldest sister was 15 at the time and the baby was 2 years old.

In trying to deal with the grief at the time, my Mom didn’t always make the best decisions; it caused different dysfunctions in the home.

At age 18, I got pregnant and before I knew it, I’d married my high school sweetheart.

We’d been together for 3 years.

I BECAME A MOM AT AGE 19 & MY WHOLE WORLD CHANGED

I had some pretty fast growing up to do: life was not just about me anymore. It was about this beautiful baby boy I held in my arms. I quickly took on my responsibilities as a wife and mother and life moved on.

Eighteen months later, our 2^nd child, my oldest daughter was born. For the next 8 years life was pretty normal.

WE BEGAN MARRIED LIFE WITH LITTLE CHANGE FOR MY HUSBAND 

He continued playing hockey, ball, extra-curricular activities, anything to keep him busy. At the time, I didn’t realize how much of a deal-breaker this would become, as he had his needs met in those things, without any real need of me. We barely had conversation; he had those with other people during the day. He was very extroverted, often to a fault.

I’d always believed that if I tried to pin him down to more time at home, I’d be changing who he was; I didn’t want to do that. In retrospect, I let him get away with too much. He wasn’t held accountable for his time and it kept him from being present at home. I didn’t realize until too late that I enabled him to stay distant by saying nothing.

HE WASN’T A BAD DAD, BUT WASN’T INTERESTED IN THE DISCIPLINE SIDE OF IT. That was left totally to me. I remember his saying that he wanted to be seen as nice and whatever happened with the kids was between me and them. Leave him out of it. That set a trap for my being seen as the “bad” parent. For me, I was not interested in being a friend to my kids; I was their Mom. My goal was to equip my kids with strong ethics, morals and strength to live successfully in this world. It was important to teach them about life.

I wanted to be at home as much as I could, so I’d been working at seasonal jobs here and there. When my son and daughter were age 8 and 9, I made the hard decision to go back to school for a hairdressing degree. That way, I’d be able to work from home and continue to be there for my kids.

IN JULY, I FOUND OUT I WAS PREGNANT; I WAS SET TO BEGIN SCHOOL IN AUGUST 

 At first, I was disappointed but as I figured it out, I soon got happy about it. This didn’t have to change my school plans and I moved ahead.

TWO MONTHS AFTER I RETURNED TO SCHOOL, I BEGAN HAVING SEVERE PANIC ATTACKS – THOSE LASTED FOR THE BETTER PART OF 15 YEARS. It was a struggle to deal with as I got agoraphobic too. Anywhere I had to go that was more than 30 minutes from my home… or with lots of people, set it off. I became afraid of imagined danger during those years.

I managed to finish getting my diploma by pushing myself through it. A 35 minute drive to  school most often took me over one hour to get there. I had to stop several times on the side of the road because I was so anxious. But I was determined.

NOBODY KNEW HOW BADLY I WAS SUFFERING, because I didn’t want to transfer that anxiety and fear onto my children. My friends, family, and even my husband didn’t know the extent of my fears. I got so good at putting on my mask, and even in a full-fledged attack no one could tell what was going on. It was my secret.